Monday, 30 August 2010

A wee adventure.

Last Friday I was feeling decidedly rough after the wedding the night before in which I mistook the hot barmaids attempt to kill me with half pints of free jager and mystery drink that used far too many bottles to be a good idea as a sign that my chat was on form for the night and she wanted to have a squatch under the kilt.

So on i went to my mates 21st birthday party and that went pretty well. We rented out a room of a club and everyone had a skinfull. I just about kept my dignity although I reckon only just.
With our attempts to chat up the fat birds failing and the big black guy that does the aftershave and lollipops in the bog looking for us to kick our heads in after my mate Johny gave him what he insists was a "Happy slap" we staggered out of the club. Regrouped and decided we were going to the local skin bar. We found this was shut :( It was now that that Johnny came up with the plan that we were going on a "Hoor hunt" but I didn't fancy the chances at 4 am in Glasgow of finding anything. So we went to the casino.

Here we befriend a nice wee tart and her fat pals. Have some more beers and get kicked out at 6am.

Im parelitic at this point and decide to go on an adventure. With limited cash we decide to get the London train and wherever we get booted off thats where we go and get wrecked. We get papped in Penrith (About an hour into England. And I cant be bothered writing the rest properly so I'll bullet point it for you.

  • Talk to a taxi driver at the station who said the last time Scots turned up like this we wrecked there castle and killed a few peeps.
  • Taxi driver tells us theres a huge Gypsy festival on and not to go near it because the Pikeys like a good fight
  • On our way passed a car showroom I chuck johnny into the boot of one of the cars and shut the lid. Thinking i can open it from the outside.
  • I cannot
  • I interupt a meeting in the showroom to get the keys to the car becaus ehe "fell" into it
  • We go get a bottle of vodka and sit in a park in the sun its about 9am
  • We finish the vodka so we go get a couple of bottles of buckfast tonic wine
  • We chat to a girl with a van and I spend the next hour being driven around cumbria in the back of a van filled with newspapers and drunks.
  • We go to a pub and make friends with the natives very good friends in my mate Johnnys case he picks up a wee tart.
  • We get thrown out of the pub because the barmaid was a silly cow and was informed of the fact.
  • Tart says that the Gypsy festival will be a laugh
  • I suspect she's a pikey
    • We go to the pikey festival as pissed as three farts get into arguments with the Police and a few pikeys. Get threatened by the local young team but after a few stern words there our pals.
    • Attempt to hitch hike home to no avail. Stumble acros some more Gypo's. Invite us for a piss up and barbecue
    • I Wake up in a field in the wrong bloody country. No tent no sleeping bag very cold.
    • We go home.